The Scottish Revolution

When Americans Think Of Scotland

They try to recall what's the difference between it

and Ireland.

And whether or not it's part of Britain or England or whatever the UK is.

They don't even bother trying to picture where it is on a map -- that's just stretching the powers of memory too far.

And that's fine. That's the way the people of Scotland want it to be. The last thing they want is for Americans to go messing around with their affairs. Because then they might start to notice things...things that aren't easily explained. Like fog -- that talks to you.

Britain's much better at explaining away their phenomena when the Yanks comes to visit. That's because Americans have always known that -- whether it's supposed to be called Britain or England -- it's a place that a long time ago was a contemptible place (although an American would probably use a different adjective) that tried to take their money, but nowadays it gives them many of their favorite movies stars.

It's the mythology of it all really, that's the crux of the problem.

American's mythology is based on one actual historical event that really happened (except not at all in the way the Americans believe it happened). Scotland's mythology, on the other hand, happened exactly as it said it happened. Changelings stole babies, selkies pulled an Ariel and tested out their sea legs on dry land and the Loch Langavat werewolf family really did inhabit the island.

So that's the primary issue at hand, at least -- American's mythology is dull, boring and lifeless because at its core it's as creative and interesting as fiction written by tax lawyers and accountants to be read to small children at bedtime. Which of course is who it was written by and was its general purpose -- to be spoon fed with minimal effort and digested easily by children for centuries to come.

In Scotland, the mythology is complex and vibrant and written by some folks who actually witnessed the Sithchean running through grassy knolls and others who heard vague descriptions of kelpies eating people but never actually saw it happen -- so they filled in details as necessary or just for the fun of it.

There's no fun element in American mythology. It's not designed to inspire whimsy. It's probably not even designed to promote thinking.

Which is why Americans who visit Scotland really can't know (because their brains couldn't handle) the things that live in Scotland -- and why they absolutely cannot understand the political situation, which is sparking the present revolution.

But, I'll do my best, as an American expatriate, to explain it to those of you who have chosen to immigrate to this fine country.

In the beginning, by which I mean shortly after the evolution of much flora and fauna and whatnot to sustain thriving ecosystems and biodiversity, demons inhabited the world. Yes, that's right you've been lied to. Demons are real, and by demons I mean, daemons: the faerie, the elves, trolls, gnomes, things that shoot snot from their ears that melt rocks, giant tortoises that can speak and live for thousands of years feeding off bones of dead unicorns...mystical stuff.

Then some squirrels fell off a tree and decided they actually quite liked it down on the ground...or they were just too lazy to climb back up...either way, humans evolved from the squirrels.

Ah, ah ah. You don't believe me? What's that? Squirrels don't live in Africa? Everybody knows humanity's closest relative is the chimpanzee. Oh, they're called great apes for a reason, are they?

Have you seen an ape farm recently? Well, squirrels bury acorns -- they've been doing it from the get go. Some of them they dig up and eat later, and others turn into trees that make more acorns. Sounds like farming to me.

But, I can't get into all that now. We're here to re-educate you now that you've chosen to make Scotland your permanent home. 

What? Yes. Yes, it is too late to change your mind. The option to take the blue pill was a ways back when you signed that contract which said, "I am ready to believe in magic." It wasn't some kitschy, European la-la-la aren't we so quaint over here across the pond nonsense. It was real. Magic is real. The Boston Tea Party, at least as you understand it, not so real at all as it turns out.

So, humans and demons lived more or less peaceably in Scotland and most other places for many, many years. 

Some humans disliked the arrangement, most of them were from Britain, but a reasonably-sized lot were also from Ireland and Scotland. They moved to the colonies and forced the demons to live in the shadows. The rest of us put together a magic spell so whenever you came overseas you wouldn't know that magic was real -- you pay us, well you did, now you live here, but a portion of your federal taxes went towards paying us to maintain the spell.

It's very complicated, we don't have time to explain it all, but the background is important, for you to understand the revolt going on.

There's a demon over in America, we try not to say her name -- not lest she hear us, there's no magic curse or anything of the like to fear -- but because most folks who have interacted with her and lived, still have PTSD. It's just the polite thing to do. There's no set moniker for her. People will know who you're talking about simply by saying things like her in a mortally dreadful tone or the demon girl emphasis on the "the." 

She's been causing some mayhem in the USA. She's on a warpath to save the planet from humans. She's an environmentalist. And a humanitarian, in the sense that she eats humans. Like a vegetarian, see? So, from her perspective -- well, just imagine that you woke up one morning and discovered that all your chickens had overpopulated your yard and were destroying your garden and pecking your ducks to death. You wouldn't think anything of killing the bulk of the chickens, eating them, and then sterilizing most of the rest. That's about how she -- see what I did there, you all will have a chance to practice later, but after one interaction, Gods forbid you have one, it'll come natural -- that's how she feels about humans.

You might not realize it, but the president of the USA right now, is half-demon. She blackmailed the military into rigging the election. 

Recently, she just purchased Scotland.

Yes, that's right. She purchased Scotland from the people -- that includes humans and demons, mind -- from Scotland itself. It was for a very fair price. No, it's nothing to worry about, really, nothing at all. She has a lot of money. No one was cheated, it wasn't anything like that. It was, on the whole, at least it will be in the long run a good thing. Most of us are quite happy about it over here.

I really need to move on. What's that? Fine, just one more question.

A lot of money. Let's say all the people of Earth, if you added up all their wealth, let's say -- and this is a rough estimate -- but let's just say, and I'm probably underestimating it, the amount totaled, we'll use numbers that are easy to wrap our heads around, let's say the number totaled a single US dollar in value. The ratio then would be that this girl has a trillion US dollars. 

No, I don't know where her money comes from. The rumors say investments, a planet made out of diamond, selling her blood on the black market, threatening to post photos of herself having sex with the big capital "G" God on the internet...the list goes on. It doesn't matter. 

She has money. The rest of us have got handfuls of sawdust by comparison. And she has power. A tremendous amount. And most of the demons of Scotland adore her. 

She also happens to be their ruler, so some of that adoration is well, obligatory...not saying nothing about her Majesty the Queen of England, we all love her. Just saying with this other one, well, the demons prefer to love her or fear her, but most, at least here in Scotland, don't bother going up against her. 

They -- we all -- can see the writing on the wall.

So, the revolution at present is this way. Scotland is still in charge of Scotland. Our friend, she really likes to delegate things. It's why she didn't takeover per se the US. She just finagled things so what she wants to happen gets done and gets done efficiently.

It'll be less invasive here. 

What? No, she's not psychotic. Remember the chickens? She just sees things from a different perspective. Yes, from the chickens' perspective she is a bloodthirsty maniac with no moral compass whatsoever. But from the perspective of the ducks and all the plants in the garden, she's a savior. A hero, if you will. 

That's right, there's no point in you going back now. She's focused the most on America. It's anyone's guess why she picked Scotland, but probably because most people don't think about it at all very much -- at least, not from her American perspective. 

So, the problem, is that there are some folks here who aren't in support of her ownership. Mostly humans, as you can imagine. But some demons too. And they are very -- highly might not be strong enough of a word in fact -- motivated to gain allies, converts, et cetera to oust her.

No, sir. I really don't think you understand -- you do not want to be signed up for something of this sort. The US government sent the Triad to kill her last year. That's what really happened to all those people in Virginia, the Triad got them when they went rogue. And it's why West Virginia has been cordoned off. The fungus is everywhere. No, I don't have time to tell you about the fungus. 

The point is, she killed the Triad. They were designed to kill her. Billions of dollars. Twenty years of research, testing and production. These rebels don't know what they're doing. If you value your lives, it is vital that you do not engage with them. Ignore them. Put their pamphlets in the recycling -- there's only about five things what can go in the garbage these days.

You want to move to another country now? Good luck with that. She's in negotiations with Costa Rica. That's another one that's off the radar for most Americans. No, don't feel bad at all ma'am. I've no doubt that most Americans have never heard of it. Most of the rest of the countries are trying to fly off her radar. Reforming themselves to her liking preemptively. Just look at what New Zealand's been up to, but I suppose they were already two-thirds the way there already.

You might try North Korea if you're really trying to avoid the girl, but she vaporized all the people from the country of Thahle clean off the map just last week because they wouldn't stop hunting some endangered crab after three warnings over a period of six months. Is it worth the risk? No one knows for sure what goes on in North Korea, but I don't think it includes eliminating fossil fuel use, banning plastic or making pesticides illegal.

Canada?! For Christ's sake man! You think Canada would be better? She's a bloody saint over there! All the were-moose and are losing their minds. How many actual humans do you really think there are in Canada? The whole place is basically a bunch of were-folk. And the only ones that don't like her are the werewolves, they've got too much of that "man's best friend" gene in 'em. Hell, the were-Grizzlies practically paid her to get involved with state affairs.

Now, I'm sorry that took so long. I just think it's important that you all know that within a few months the prices for your newly purchased homes are going to plummet because a fifth of the country's human and demon population will have been annihilated for, in her words, "unchecked stupidity," not like you might imagine "insubordination." And that's just the way that supply-and-demand economics works in terms of the housing market.

Also, there may be some supply-chain problems at first. Shortages here and there, but it just means plenty of jobs will have opened up for all you new immigrants looking for work. 

So sit tight. 

And don't listen to whatever the fog tells ya. 

It's just the vampires wanting a wee bite to eat.